Every new beginning, Comes from some other beginning's end.

Yasss, Semisonic dictates my current mental state!  I really wanted to name this "Major Key" but it wouldn't really make and sense but, Okay moving on..

Picture this:

Me, hunched over the laptop in complete darkness other than the 3 wick candle burning on my night stand, staring at the blank computer screen.

This is real life.  This is live.

About 5 minutes ago I decided to actually type words on said blank computer screen and this is what's happening.

I was looking through old e-mails yesterday and discovered a letter I had written to a past love (I mean I guess you can call him that) and it reminded me, a) Wow, I need to actually write more and b) what the fuck ever happened to that guy (well I kind of know but then again don't) and c) lets get this blog shit up and going again while I'm extremely moody and vulnerable.

So hurrah, here I am again bitches.  Emotional AF and bitter as a fucking lemon.

**Turns on himalayan salt lamp in hopes of banishing bad energy to ensure clear thoughts and not total batshittery**

First off, just warning you this is not going to be one of those positive "you can get through anything" posts because right in this EXACT moment I don't necessarily feel that way. (WORK YOUR FUCKING MAGIC, LAMP)

Instead, this is going to be about how I want to break everything in sight to mirror how I feel deep in my heart. (Get the broken reference, turds?)

So now, some of you are probably thinking, "Well fuck, what has this bitch so twisted?"

Here's the answer:

In was a quiet day in July.... nahhh just playing.  I just always wanted to start off a story like that.  But really this is it:

I was a single girl, having some fun on Tinder, (getting compliments from strange men is surprisingly satisfying) and I match with this guy Tim.  Thinking nothing of it, (because if you actually think of Tinder as a real thing, you should probably re-evaluate yourself)  we start talking.  For those of you who don't have any idea how Tinder works, just think of the most superficial, lame and shallow app that attracts assholes but is a great source of entertainment.  Why would I be on such an app?  Well like I said, it was highly entertaining.  Moving on...

So I end up giving him my number after we had a common interest in Chiodos (look them up) and I asked him if he was going to the concert that was coming up. Low and behold, he bought a ticket and we met up there.  I didn't actually expect to meet him, and even like him for that matter...but I did.

In fact,we liked each other so much that, up until recently, he described it as "more than a spark...it was fireworks."

So I am going to spare all of the sentimental shit and tell you how it ended, because of course all good things need to come to an end, right?

**Cue dramatic, heavy metal, screaming music**

Plain and simple-- my heart was broken.  I have never experienced anything quite like this before.  I was never dumped, and I do NOT take rejection well in the slightest.  Now, I am not a pretentious asshole that thinks I would never be dumped but honestly, I did not expect this coming.  This came out of complete nowheresville.  When I tell you it went from 100 to 0 real quick, that's literally the best way I can describe it.  One day we were looking at apartments in California online together, I was getting those really cute texts explaining that I was his soulmate... and the next my shit was neatly placed in a box on his kitchen table.

Being the intuitive person I am, I was severely thrown off base, disappointed that I couldn't see this coming.  I was happy, he was happy...or so I thought.  

See, I'm not going to go into personal details of Tim.  As much as I really don't like him at this time in my life, thats just not something appropriate to do. I wish I could so one can understand the complexities and certain moments that would be integral to this story... but it would not be fair.

What I can say though, we come from 2 entirely different worlds.  There were things I tried to understand about him that I don't think I ever will.  The same can be said about him trying to understand me.  That never was an issue though.  I accepted him how he was, loved everything about him and saw him as my partner.  Thing is, I don't know if he ever actually accepted me as much as I thought he did.  Of course, no relationship on earth is ever perfect, but him and I.... there was something about us together that just made sense.

We had that playful,* hard-eye roll* and serious relationship that a lot of people don't have.  I could talk to him about life and our purpose as humans one second and send him a stupid youtube video the next.  I thought we had a healthy balance of give and take.  He was truthfully a great boyfriend and we went places and had experiences I have never shared with another person.  When I went broke randomly in the middle of the week, he would put money in my account to make sure I had what I needed.  I would wakeup to breakfast made for me every Sunday.  He would go out to get ciggs (classic) and he would come back with a rose for me.  He would leave me notes almost every day (lots of them I still have...) and play with my hair every night before we went to sleep.  He mentioned (almost daily) that he wanted to get me pregnant, and have a life with me and he couldn't wait to get me out of my house so we could live together. (Can't make this shit up)

I did notice that he pumped the breaks on a lot of these nice things he did toward the last 2 months of our relationship, though.  He told me he was "stressed" and at one point he told me "I don't think I have to show you constant affection every day, you should know I love you without saying."

HMMMMMM, no.

Ladies, if a man tells you that, run away right there.

If there's one thing I took away from this failed relationship I realized to never, ever, EVER underestimate your worth.  I get it.  Sometimes those cutesie things that your partner does for you in the beginning kind of die down a bit as time goes on, but they should never feel like thats ACCEPTABLE.  If you are in a relationship 6 months or 6 years, it does not matter... someone that loves you should make you feel loved all day, every day.  

Realistically, you're not going to love someone the same amount*every day, whether it's because of a fight or because Mercury is in Retrograde, but deep down you have that Love and Commitment holding you together keeping you secure.  *When I say, Love someone the same amount I don't mean that you literally love someone 99% one day and 10% the next, it's just a way of saying that there are waves and that is completely normal. 

It became apparent to me after we broke up that Timothy had doubts about him and I.  He did not understand that was normal.  Questioning things in life that are important to you is normal.  Waking up and realizing that maybe I wasn't the person that was meant to be with him is a valid thought, something that should be communicated.  Thing is, it never was. 

When he broke up with me, he said that he needed time to work on himself.  He was not happy in his jobs, his life in general, and felt that he could not make me happy.  I initially took this very admirably, and gave him a lot of respect for understanding that he needed to be happy with himself before anything else.  I was okay with giving him the time he needed even though I did not agree that he should want to be alone during this difficult emotional roller-coaster.  We amicably ended things and although I was sad it was over, I understood.

You may be thinking, so what the hell is she so angry for?  Well this is why:

**Back story** Octoberish-- he gets a text on his phone from a random number.  We always kept our phones charging next to eachother and were very open with who we were talking to.  No passwords ever necessary, it was a fully trusting relationship.  I had a feeling to ask who he was texting and he responded matter-of-factly with a girls name.  Of course my eyes get wider because I have no idea who she is, as he never mentioned her name before.  "Oh she's from work."  At first I was cool with this and it didn't bother me because quite frankly I was happy he actually made a friend. (He didn't have many..)  However, I thought about it the entire next day and my gut said that this was going to be a problem. (Spoiler alert: intuition was right again *ding ding*) 

I told him I was not really okay with the fact he was texting another girl while he was with me, it didn't seem right.  He ASSURED me up and down and in circles that they were friendly because they bonded over the Rangers (gay). I simply didn't understand why he gave his number to another female regardless of them liking a hockey team or not.  You see the girl 30 hours a week, you really need to text her too?  I explained that his intentions might be good but I know how females work and hers were definitely not good.  He told me he understood and he would respect my wishes to cut that off.

So he never actually tells me like, "hey Samantha I took care of it.  I love you I don't want to upset you... wont happen again."  I had to mention it like 2 weeks later and his response was: "Yeah I told her I wasn't allowed to talk to her anymore."

I should have figured from that moment that he genuinely wanted to continue whatever "relationship" they had going and ran even further away.. but no... I actually trusted him still, even though I still had this terrible feeling that this bitch was going to be an issue. 

**Back story End**

So naturally he waits until AFTER we go to Boston together and see Circa Survive to strategically break up (Also before Christmas so the fuck doesn't have to buy me a gift)

I find out Sunday that he is dating this girl!!!!!  Now do you understand why that would infuriate me?

Oh, and yeah he skipped Christmas with me, but bought her RANGERS tickets for her gift. 

Sidebar- He claimed that I never was interested in watching the Rangers which was a blatant lie.  He chainsmoked cigs in the den during the game and my cat, who I am highly allergic to hangs out in...so naturally I wouldn't really be too inclined to have to resort to an inhaler every second to watch this fucking game.

This is the last thing I am going to say about this, because as it is, I clearly put a lot of thought in the post.

Regardless of him falling out of love with me (which I know for a fact is not the case) or him masking his inner emotional dilemma about our relationship instead of actually dealing with it (facts) or whatever..... it doesn't matter.

The bottom line is, we aren't together anymore.  That's it.  Done, finito.  Although I wish it had ended differently, and he wasn't a complete cowardly douchecanoe, it is what it is.

It says a lot about a girl if she's willing to communicate with a guy in a committed relationship, as it says a lot about the guy too.

On a real note though, who the hell in their right mind would want to be with someone else and not me....baffling....

So I conclude that Tim must be clinically insane and I urge anyone with a license to reach out to him to see if he has officially lost his mind.

As for me,

I don't want anyone to "pity" me.  Yeah, it's a shitty situation, but I have learned a fuckton about myself and people, and have realized the following:

1) Understand that there are shitty people in this world and you can't really do much to change them, even though you really want to

2) As much as it felt good to exploit said shitheads in my blog, make sure you are the bigger person at the end of the day

3)Karma is a bitch

Hope you enjoyed the Samantha Chronicles.
I approve this message.

Beautiful

A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belong to our world But then it flies again and though we wish it could have stayed... We feel lucky to have seen it.

Inconsistent

Well comrades, 
I have to say that it has been way too long. Life happens and you just gotta roll with the punches. 
The title suits this well, considering I am extremely inconsistent in every aspect of my life. 
For people that actually follow this blog, I am really sorry that you have not been provided with comedic relief for the last....idk how long it's been, and I hope you still are stalking me. 
Right now I am listening to some crazy spa music that sounds like I am in a monastery and I don't hate it. Pandora Spa radio, I can fucks with you. 
Anywho, 
I am having writers block and don't really know what kind of shit you want me to say. 
I can share a story that has been on my mind for the past 6 someodd months and you can silently judge me through this virtual portal. 

Flashback to October--
 It was a chilly night. I was working till either 915 or 1015 (stupid fucking sale days) and didn't even want to go out. I was cranky as per usual but then my mind always changes because I am kinda easy to convince. I didn't want to go ESPECIALLY because it was Huntington and I am not a particular fan of the town, but I didn't to be a lonely loser so I decided to go out. I remember exactly what I was wearing, which for us women is pretty difficult if you don't take any pictures and post them to instagram. (Yes I am serious, you do not want to repeat an outfit..) So we decided to go to this random hole in the wall that I've only been to once, when I was extremely wasted. So I'm mingling and making my rounds as usual as I see this extremely attractive male walk into the bar. At this time I was outside chaining ciggs because I think I'm really cool and original. I hurry my ass back inside because this was a fine specimen and I needed another look. So I'm chillin getting another drink, and I noticed his SICK jacket he was wearing. Since I am into appearance and how people dress, I really appreciated this fuckin coat. I turn to him, "Wow, your jacket is so cool." And from there, we talked for TWO fucking hours. I mean, shit.....the last time I had a two hour conversation when I was at a bar, I was probably crying about my ex and slobbering on a friends shoulder.
 We talked about everything from music to politics to conspiracies to drugs to everything. I didn't want to leave. And let me just say, I am not one of those friends that goes off with dudes and leaves their posse for the night and says fuck it. I just couldn't help talking to him... not only was he super attractive but there was definite chemistry there. So 2am hits and my friends want to go and I am still in deep conversation not planning to leave anytime soon. He offered to drive me home which was pretty cool, considering he could have chopped me up into pieces and thrown me in a ditch. But hey guys I'm still kickin. So soon after they left, I felt it was time to hit the road as well. 
Car Ride---
So he lets me control the music on his ipod and I nearly cried when I saw "I Will Follow You into the Dark" on his songs. That song is special to me. I have always wanted someone to play that for me on the guitar and sing. Ok so my internal freakout subsides and we pass this church by my house that always has punpkins on the grass. First off, I don't know if they are free in the first place or what the deal with them is. But we passed it and I made a remark how I've always wanted to take a pumpkin from there. He turned the car right around and we went on a pumpkin stealing adventure. For some reason, this to me was so cute and spontaneous and was just what I needed. In reality it's fucking a pumpkin but there was something about the way this happened that just made me smile. Sure as shit it was memorable or else I wouldnt even bother sharing this story. So here we are with these pumpkins just laughing and being silly and we get to my house. I did not want this night to end yet, so I invite him in. Before you judge me, no I didn't bang him. Totally wanted to but I refrained because I am a very pristine Catholic. Nah, not really but I didn't know if he was exactly into me that way so00oo00o0. Then again, I am extremely bad and naive at knowing if someone is and I'm sure he wouldn't make the effort to hangout with me if he wasnt. Ok sidebar over. 
In zee house---
So we talk again, till 5am and I had to kick him out considering my father was getting up for work and didn't really feel like explaining why this stranger was in my den. When he left, I could not stop smiling. I know this is really cheesy and sentimental but I couldnt go to bed without telling him that I had one of the best nights in a long damn time. He responded,, "I was literally just going to text you the same thing, I am going to bed with a smile on my face and I can't wait to see you again." I melted. Who knew? 
Sure enough we saw each other a few days later, then again and again. 
As crazy as this was to me, I was definitely falling in love with this man. I keep saying man considering he is 29 years old, and tall and dreamy and ugh. 
So what the fuck happened, Samantha??--
Well kids, all good things come to an end and everything is too good to be true. Nah, not everything but I am a little bitter and annoyed about the situation and you sure as shit would be too. This is what happened.
So everything was fine and dandy for the short duration of this "relationship" if you can even call it that. Unbeknownst to me, this man had emotional issues. Strong, deep rooted, problems that nobody could even come close to solving. How serious our conversations were getting, I was starting to notice more and more this guy had issues, but I didn't care because I liked him so much and just wanted to ignore the obvious and be in ignorant bliss. Well that shit doesn't last long. Truths come out and beware when they do, they hit you like a bus. Word to the wise: listen to your gut and try not to think with your heart in the beginning. 
I want you to know I am not bashing this man, I actually thank him because he changed my life. It is crazy how someone can impact you in such a momentous way in about 18 hours total being with them. I didn't believe that could even happen, but it did. I was getting ready to go to school one morning when I get a text that he pretty much didn't think him and I were going to work out. That shit does not fly with me. I am Samantha K. and I get what I want. I was not taking that shit. Plus, I was already in a shitty ass mood because I needed to be up at the ass crack of dawn to get on the fucking LIRR. He said "I don't think you are over your ex and I don;t want to be someones stepping stone to get over a relationship. Also you are 22 and want to go out and drink all the time, which I understand, but I am over that part of my life and want someone to be with me most of the time."  I explained that something like that should be spoken about in person, not over text. Although he was stubborn about it, he agreed that we had to talk and it had to be soon. He said he really liked me and thats the only reason why he was willing to talk. Cool. Like sorry guy I don't get home till at least 8 and I'm busy. I literally would have given up pretty much everything for this person, which scares me now to think about. I felt such a deep connection that I was willing to sacrifice my precious nights drinking and galavanting around town, to be with him. 
So we made plans for Sunday, and my parents were away that weekend so I figured it would be perfect for him to come and talk at whatever time. I was doing a project all day anyways so it didn't matter when he came. I happened to take an adderall...which actually was extremely beneficial because it made me SO clearheaded and I knew exactly what I wanted to say for when he came to talk. So I finished my homework around 11....didn't hear from him. And that was the last I heard from him. 
Fell completely off the grid, and left me extremely confused. You would think I would be really enraged, but I understood. Like I said before, he had issues. I am not one to hold a grudge, so I let it go. That didn't mean that I didn't stop thinking about him and wondering where he was and what he was doing. In fact, I reached out to him on Thanksgiving. No answer, of course. 
So the other day I am sitting eating lunch with my co-worker and I get this text from a number that isn't saved. Guess who? IT WAS HIM. HE RESURFACED. All I could say was OH MY GOD, three times. My boss thought I was having a heart attack, but I was just in shock. 6 fucking months go by and he FINALLY texted me an apology for disappearing and he knew it was rude and wrong. He then basically professed his love to me. I was loving this because this is what I've been wanting to hear. But then I remembered who I was dealing with..needless to say I agreed to see him again. We had plans for the following day, and I never heard from him AGAIN. 
So this is my life. Bizarre. No words. Crazy.


There you have it. Hope you enjoyed reading about my hopeless romance,
night. 

I am Samantha K. and I approve this message.

My first make-up tutorial

So today was a big day. Not only did I wake up before 12, but I made my first Youtube Make-up Tutorial!!!!
Ok so you might not be as excited as I am, but this is big! Now that I know how to make videos using Imovie, I can annoy people on even MORE social channels.

WOOO!
Check it out, and excuse my angle and face pre-make-up.....it happens.

Mary Kay @ Play

Wang Shang Bang Tang

Ok so I know this article is a little bit old but I am just reading about this now and actually laughed out loud. Yeah, I am semi-insensitive but the stupidity of people in this world truly boggles my mind.. 

So I don't know if any of you knew/cared to realize that people are actually selling their vital organs to be apart of the Apple Cult. Well according to this article, my dear friend Wang Shangkun (No, I can't make this shit up) sold his kidney to get an iPad and iPhone. 
Look I'd go through great lengths to get the 5S but let's be logical human beings here. To actually sell your kidney (and only get about 3,400$ for it) for a material item that that is MADE in your country is plain stupid. 

So not even on a moral scale of this being completely farfetched just look at it from a common sense standpoint. 

At least he didn't sell his wang. 

K, I'm done. 
If you want to check out this article and see for yourselves... http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/10/wang-shangkun-kidney-ipad_n_1764335.html

XO!

I am Samantha K. and I approve this message.

The Demise of Electric Zoo and not to mention the little thing called humanity..

So this is going to be a venting blog post because I really can't deal with the ignorance and the lack of compassion coming out of the mouths of our youth.
So lets start with Ezoo for example because of its relevance. 

If you don't know what Ezoo is, formally known as Electric Zoo is, it's a festival full of DJ's (if that is even possible) where people usually dress in bright colored clothing (if any clothing at all whatsoever) and take Molly to "rage" to the music.
 I get that a lot of people don't take the drug but if anyone were to describe Ezoo that is how they would put it.....
What happened during Ezoo this year, and pretty much every music festival, a few people overdosed on drugs and died. One girl was even raped and found under a van without wearing any pants.
The thing that's bugging me about what people are saying with all this, is their tone in their complaints. People keep complaining that it shouldn't have been cancelled and they wasted money and blah blah blah. First of all, stop fucking complaining. I know it probably sucks that something you were looking forward to was abruptly cancelled, and now you think that your life is over but it's really not that serious in the grande scheme of things, and you are getting your damn money back. 
I'm not necessarily agreeing that it should have been cancelled,  but we need to be understanding and empathetic to the reasons why. These kids on Facebook that are posting things like (paraphrasing here), "daddys little girl took too much molly and fucked up our experience," or things like "maybe if she was covered up she wouldn't have been raped." Who the fuck are you to make such accusations and judgments? Everyones argument to me was that it was THEIR decisions to take the drugs and it could have been prevented. I am not disagreeing there, I think that people should definitely be held accountable for their actions, however, people don't know the entire situation because THEY WEREN'T THERE. And I do think that the event could have been monitored more closely so that that drugs can't even enter the arena. But on some real shit, how does anyone officially know that she was mentally capable to make the decision to take apparently "6 hits"? (Everyones argument was that she was dumb and should have known what she was getting into when she took so much of the drug at a time) Or how does anyone know that she wasn't an addict and accidentally overdosed? How about instead of making blanket statements and sharing your rage in such a negative way, you take it down a notch and realize that everyone is different and mistakes happen and thats LIFE. Another argument was that it's the parents fault. Ok..... I also semi-agree with you there because I think that a lot parents are being too lenient and forget how young their kids are, despite how old they act. But once again, we are not parents, who the hell are we to judge a situation such as this? Someone said, "I wouldn't let my child attend such an event." 
Let me just say that A) sometimes (despite what an angel you have) children lie to get things that they want. HELLOOOO people have you seen kids these days???  B) If all of their friends are going, these kids are going to harass the shit out of you to let them go, because face it as parents you want to make your children happy and will do whatever it takes. Like we can point fingers all day and make points that are valid, however the most important thing that people are missing is that, people are DEAD. The fact that people are not feeling any type of sadness is what really worries me. The fact that people were writing such insensitive things about these people really made me upset and question peoples morals and values. One person actually said, "Why waste time even caring about those people." Look I'm not saying that I cried for them and was torn by this event, because in all reality people die every day. However, it does make me wonder what kind of world we live in that people only care about themselves and their own benefits by showing such a harsh attitude toward the deceased. 

It's something I will never understand. I really think that the advancement of technology, what various medias portray to us on a daily basis, and parents non involvement, are major contributing factors (among many more) that the generations below me are going down the tubes. I just can't fathom not feeling any emotion when someone tells me someone died. I do think that in life, you have to care about yourself because you are the only person you can rely on, however the heartless comments that I read regarding the death of teenagers really threw me for a loop. I think a lot of people skip the step in trying to feel how someone else feels because they are too wrapped up in themselves to care. I think somethings gotta give here and people need to be put in their place because I have a huge mouth and have no problem telling you that you are a douchecock.. 

And another really sad reality is the fact that the people hosting Ezoo did not cancel the third day because of the children who died, it was for their own personal benefit in keeping up their "image." I get that money is the number 1 driving factor in business and you cannot do anthing without it....but.... where does the line get drawn? I think that people and their feelings should be trumped over how much money is loss, because it's quality of life which is most important above all. How much of your soul are people willing to sacrifice to make a few extra dollars... the world we live in today is truly sad. 

so enough about me ranting and I am going to do some research about this and get my ass to class... I hope you enjoyed reading my point of you and maybe now you can understand where I am coming from. 

XO!

I am Samantha K. and I approve this message. 

SUNY KillMyself

There comes a time in a students life where they have to actually get rid of the notion of summer, and mentally (not 100% physically), move on to the dreaded "Fall semester".... where swarms of airheads walk around spewing tall tales of their elaborate summer excursions and how awful mommy and daddy are that they didn't get them the chic apartment in soho, but instead the studio in Kew Gardens. 
Yep, welcome to NYC. 
Look, I'm not bitter...(okay, maybe a little) but really??!! The conversations that take place in the hallways of FIT could very well be unlike anything else you have ever heard in your life. It seriously a subculture inside of a subculture. 
Often times, I question what the fuck I'm doing here considering I have found common ground with about 10 people, but I have to grit my teeth and bare all of the mindless conversations I will have to participate in now through December 19th. 
I'm not saying I'm a decedent of Einstein, and I'm a outstandingly cultured person of society , but there has to be more to life than talking about haircuts and your fabulous internship at Chanel. 
There was a moment in time where I was actually extremely intimidated by these people, it seemed that they had so much experience and knew exactly what they wanted to do with their lives. Being in my last semester, I can say I'm still not completely sure what I want to do with my life and being with the same people who I like to call, "extreme interners", has made me chuckle that I actually was taken aback by these pretentious assholes. From working in retail for years, I have more experience than any of these people who are getting coffee for the office of these big time companies. 
Again, I'm not saying that I'm better than any of these people, because in fact, they're list of companies are pretty lengthy and impressive, but knowing what I know now compared to when my journey first started, I'm in a pretty good boat.
Although I am very thankful of my educational opportunity, there are things that really annoy me about FIT and the people who attend the school. Like for example, on Tuesday I waited 4 hours in between classes(I didn't make my schedule that way, the guy let us out after 10 minutes..) and the teacher never showed up. Obviously, it's life, things happen sometimes that we can't control....but where was the fucking decency in this day and age of technology to shoot out an e-mail apologizing that you couldn't make it? It still is not okay in my opinion to miss the first day of a class but it would have softened the blow. The fact that the teachers do that to us and have the nerve to take attendance after that makes me shudder. In what planet is it okay for you to be completely absent without a single trace but if we are 20 minutes late due to a train delay, you have our head on a platter? 

So I'm leaving this post on a lesson that the sooner you find out, the better off you will be. 
Don't ever expect anything from anyone...you will be disappointed. I know that sounds really cold, and the world really isn't out to get you, but when you lower expectations of your reality, you will be happier.

XO!

I am Samantha K. and I approve this message.